Suppose it's around this hour and the couple either side of it that my head gets in the mood for thinking, which I won't lie, is not at all appreciated. I'm taking a trip to boots tomorrow to see if they can give me some tablets, also need to ask why every time I eat the smallest amount I feel really ill. Summer madness is on Friday - if I struggle sleeping in my incredibly comfy (and huge) bed with the greatest duvet of all time how am I EVER going to cope lying on a carry mat.....may as well apologise in advance to everyone as I morph into a member of the cast of The Walking Dead......and not one of the living characters.
I'm not looking forward to Summer Madness in the slightest. I wish I was. The thought of camping in the rain turns me. I try my best not to be sceptical (and sceptical is the closest word to what I mean, I don't actually mean sceptical, more cynical maybe? I don't know) or cynical or whatever about the whole thing, but the crux of it is a lot of the festival last year made me feel quite uncomfortable. For me, a relationship with God is extremely personal, in particular I find prayer to be very personal. Worship, still personal, but less so. Summer madness often (for me, probably no one else) turns prayer and worship into a show for me, a show that I'm watching but I'm not actually part of. Lyrics like "Dance, dance, everybody dance" don't really make sense to me, but that's one of very few songs that I find to be, well, unbearable. I don't like praying in front of people. I don't like people hearing me sing. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with belting worship out because honestly, for me it isn't worship if I'm stood there worrying about what the person next to me is having to listen to.
This kind of bumpily brings me onto my point about the whole atmosphere of mainstage. Feeling God's presence, lifting your arms up in worship. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing I love seeing more than people stretching their arms out when worshipping, something about it gives me goosebumps, but I've never done it. The reason is because I've never felt moved to do so. Doing it because all of your friends are isn't the point. Doing it because of excellent stage lighting and a good performance of that song that says everything (it gets me every time, CHRIST IN ME, CHRIST IN ME, CHRIST IN ME, THE HOPE OF GLORRYYY etc) is also not the point. I find it really difficult at such a huge venue, with so much incredible staging to differentiate between when I'm feeling truly moved by the holy spirit, or when I'm just getting caught up in all the lights, camera, action of it all. The same goes for prayer, when a few thousand people are praying and all the mumbles merge into this eerie sound, or when you're in a fairy lit prayer room, it's hard to know if it's just the set up making you feel particularly spiritual. Most of my praying is done when I'm on my own. Or when everyone else is standing up. Although I've said I struggle praying out loud in front of people, praying with one person is truly one of the most moving things I've ever experienced. There are people (and there's one in particular) that I've never prayed one on one with. I pray for them every night but I've never actually asked them if they want me to pray about anything, or want me to pray with them. I guess the second is mostly because although I could pray about them for half an hour before I go to sleep, I literally forget how to speak English when it comes to saying it all in front of them.
When I pray in groups it becomes less about talking to God and more about praying TO the people around me. That's not what it should be. In the same way that listening to one person pray at the front as we all bow our heads doesn't mean we're praying that prayer. For me I'm just listening to someone pray, which may be of benefit, but nowhere near the benefit of praying yourself.
Hmmmmmmmmm, thoughtful.
No comments:
Post a Comment