Today's revision break, is this post.

Half way to the end, 3 exams to go, summer is on the horizon. Yesterday I got so excited about the prospect of being off school, the thought of going on holiday in 50 odd days as I'm being constantly reminded, the North Coast crowd and chilling the flip out. Today though I just wish I had a few more weeks. It all boils down to how well I've done between Monday past and next Friday and I don't think things are going to plan. Well, my plan, but I'll get back to that in a few sentences. Last year I almost cried after pretty much all of my exams, I thought I'd done pretty terribly in all of them - I was wrong, I managed to pull off AAAB, which was ridiculous. Nobody expected me to get that, well, apart from me (before I started the exams, after, not so much). All I can say is that I hope with all my heart that I'm wrong about how well these are going. Today I had physics, not going to lie, it was a beaut paper, one I could've been in the 90s in, but I didn't have time - as a result I screwed up about half the questions, intending to go back to them, and didn't have time to. It's the most frustrating thing, knowing that given another stab at each question I know I could've arrived at the right answer.

The thought of not getting into Glasgow makes me feel sick to my stomach. I didn't take a rejection from Edinburgh all that well, so goodness knows what not getting into my firm choice would feel like. I've never wanted anything more in my life than to get to uni, do the best I can and then have the knowledge in place to make a difference to people. If I get the grades, I'm told it'll be the best 4 years of my life. Having the thought of my best 4 years still being ahead of me is a pretty sweet one. Well, it was, until I got this terrible feeling that things aren't about to go the way I hope they do. This is the first time Jeremiah 29v11 has scared me. More than scared me, I'm absolutely terrified of life not being my own plan. For 16 years as far as I  needed to be concerned, life would go the way I made it. There was no "destiny" (don't like that word) in place, no plan made for me, things would just pan out as I went. I distinctly remember every day feeling a lot less complicated, or at least, the future feeling like it would be a lot less complicated. But, now it's not in my hands. To be fair it never was in my hands, but now I'm very, very aware it's not. The terrifying thing is, if Glasgow isn't in God's plan for me, it's not where I'll be going. This is a terrible way to feel, but there's no denying that the thought of my plan not matching up with God's makes me want to cry. From past experience though, particularly the end of last year and the start of this one, things I think are absolutely terrible lead onto some of the best experiences and more specifically, people that change your life for the better. The wick time that was September to November lead me into a situation that I wouldn't change for the world. I need to keep remembering that. Even though it kills me that the disaster of disasters could happen come August where I check my UCAS track and have a rejection because I haven't made the cut.

I'm saying this as if I know what's going to happen, obviously I don't. The best I can do for now, is work as hard as I can and pray as hard as I can. With any luck God has some pretty class stuff in store for me in Glasgow. I think I'm most excited about the people I could potentially come into contact with. People God will make me ready for, because being an example is surely the best and most obviously display the love of God. Try and fire the bible at someone who isn't interested and it won't work, but when you act differently to how the world expects you to? That's when people notice. That was when I noticed that there's something very interesting going on in the hearts of Christians. Good luck making sense of all of that!

See how long that post was? Only on study leave are my posts this long! Back to work :)